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Starbucks Virus
It seem like i’ve gotten a virus on tumblr that automatically posts about fucking Starbucks. They’re a shitty store with terrible coffee. I’ve always thought starbucks was a horrible place but this Tumblr virus has made me truly despise them. It has put them in an exclusive camp with Pedophiles, Goldman Sachs, Rick Santorum, and Russell Peters.
I don’t even like coffee that much, the only place i ever get coffee is from Macdonalds. Its pretty tasty there. Starbucks coffee is like liquefied Kony. So when you drink starbucks you have Kony inside of you and for 10 hours your chances of kidnapping a child and looking like a crack head Danny Glover go up 75%. Preach it.
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Self Aware
I think im too self aware to have a blog. Unlike the majority of TUMBLR. I know everything I say is lame. But hey, internet marketing, am i right!?!?!?!?!
I’m so non nonchalant that i’m not even tagging this post. SAY WHAT!?!?!?!
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Whitney Houston
Whitney Houston died yesterday. Very sad. I just want to take this opportunity to thank Whitney Houston. Not for her music because i’m familiar with almost none of it, but for giving me 52 points in a death pool i have with all my comedian friends. Thank you Whitney, thank you thank you thank you.
So in honor of Whitney Houston im going to do all of the cocaine in the world because crack is way to cheap, i’m going to punch Bobby Brown in the face, and i’m going to google photos of Dolly Parton’s breasts (okay that last one is just for me).
I’m also going to continue my plan of never watching the Bodyguard ever again. Sorry Whitney i cant do it.
Seriously though fuck that woman had a voice.
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Twitter
I am better at Twitter than i am at Tumblr. In fact someone once asked me why i wasnt as funny on stage as I am on twitter. *sigh*
There is my twitter, i follow back like a sad malnourished puppy.
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Tumblr has a lot of super tasteful pornography. Just makes me feel more ashamed about the filth i watch on red tube. You know, the kind of sex you need to do on a tarp..
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Thats kind of what i do. Me performing at Yuks Yuks Toronto. Sorry about the editing, I know its stupid. I have better jokes, i have worse jokes but this joke was filmed.
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im-a-good-bird asked: Thanks for the follow man! live your dream! In a couple of years I want to do the same thing as you, I cant wait :P
No problem. Hope its sooner rather than later. Look forward to seeing some stuff when the time comes.
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Some days I enjoy doing comedy.
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Some Insulting Evening.
I did a show at a Chinese restaurant on Thursday and two things happened that kinda hurt.
1) I did a bit where the first thing i say is “I have a kid now” (i dont have a kid its the start of a JOKE) and after i said that some twentysomething girl in the back (the kind that knows shes hot) went “NO WAY!.” She didnt do it in a way that was like, wow thats so awesome but crazy cause your not very old and your a comedian how can you support it when your making no money! She said it in a way that was like “NO WAY! You a 5’6 chubby comedian with a shit beard (a beard made of shit) yeah right you couldn’t have a kid.”
Now another thing i should note is that it didn’t sink in that she had said something mean until the next morning. Which means i might have a tough time handling hecklers in the future. Now, when i first ruminated on this sort of heckle. I kind of thought “yeah fuck her she is saying i don’t have a lot of sex therefore i cant have a kid!” Then i realized, you don’t have to have a lot of sex to have a kid. You just have to blow in a girl once. Its not like you have to do it multiple times and fill her up until a bell goes off. That means that she found it shocking that i had sex at all. Fucking cunt scab! So now i want to get someone pregnant just to spite this asshole girl in the audience of a half full Chinese restaurant.
I wrote a whole other paragraph for this story but i think this is a good enough place to end.
2) The audience didnt stand up when they applauded :(
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blazeittbabyy-deactivated201204 asked: whats up??? :)
4 am drunk at 11. But i gotta be up at 6 so tactically it makes sense..you?
